Poem for the Fourth of July

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You can 

speak truth to power

in numbers, together, in droves.

but if you dare to 

speak truth to power 

in solo or go it alone,

they will follow, harass, denigrate you

disappear you for weeks

right from your very own home.

pay off cops, 

backroom talks,

corrupt judges 

seal your fate wink 

nod,

handshake. 

There, 

now you can go back

to your home.

They’ll rewrite 
your entire existence

change your present,

crush your future

so I want you to know, 

don’t ever,

please never,

try to 

speak truth to power alone.

Domestic Violence Is Not A 'Women's Issue'

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Domestic violence is not a women’s issue; it is a societal one.  While many people believe that DV is not their problem, that it happens to ‘other people’, or for those who simply would rather not be bothered, there is an unavoidable truth that has become abundantly clear:  Second hand DV kills. While the majority of domestic abuse does occur within the home, if a woman leaves or even strongly indicates that she will, angry and controlling men often go in search of their victims and take the violence into the public sphere.  

Co-workers can become victims, fellow congregants can become victims, and yes, even children at an elementary school.  In a widely shared analysis of F.B.I. data on mass shootings, in 2017 Every Town for Gun Safety reported that “57 percent of the cases included a spouse, former spouse or other family member among the victims — and that 16 percent of the attackers had previously been charged with domestic violence”. (Jane Mayer, ‘The Link Between Domestic Violence and Mass Shootings’ ; [2017] The New Yorker)

Domestic violence is not just a women’s issue.  It’s a societal problem that must be addressed, not put on a back burner or dismissed. Find out more and how you can help at:

https://nnedv.org/content/frequently-asked-questions-about-domestic-violence/

Daydream - a poem of loss

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I had a daydream

of me,

they way I used to be.

Swimming,

like the otter

Rolling,

as I kicked 

stretching arms 

over, out, over 

and waltzing 

through the water.

I had a daydream

of me,

to remember

Who 

I used to be.

Breaking the Silence and #MeToo

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I hope that the wave of awareness now taking place across the country regarding the prevalence of sexual assault and harassment  in our society will translate into a willingness to look at our ongoing plague of domestic violence in a new light.  For far too long DV victims have been ignored, doubted and even condemned for outing their abusers.  Over 1,000 women die every year in this country at the hands of their abusers.  Those of us lucky enough to break away face great difficulty moving forward after our lives have been torn asunder.  Abusers are largely not held accountable for their crimes and victims remain feeling shamed.  This must stop.  Victims need assistance, not stigmatization.  If you know someone suffering under the dark shadow of another, please step up, step out, and ask what you can do to help.

The importance of hearing survivors’ stories and listening with compassion

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If a survivor broaches the subject of abuse they are either actively seeking help or processing what has happened to them and trying to heal. Please do not change the subject to avoid the topic.  Abusers always deny that abuse has occurred.  When others act similarly by pretending that what the what victim suffered was insignificant or should not be spoken of it can deepen hurt feelings and add to the chronicity of stress related illnesses that plague many victims lives. Most importantly, if someone discloses abuse that is occurring they need your help, not a cold shoulder.  

Never try to prevent a survivor from speaking out or try to persuade them to remain silent for the sake of others. This notion is abusive in and of itself by sending the message that the victim, their feelings, their life is somehow not worth as much as the lives of others. This hush-hush attitude only adds to the societal forces that perpetuate domestic violence by stigmatizing the victim.

I highly recommend the following resource page for victims and anyone who wishes to become trauma informed: 

https://www.thenationalcouncil.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Survivor-Bill-of-Rights.pdf

On Reporting To The Police

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If you have been the victim of domestic abuse it is crucial that a police report is filed. Even if you have gotten through a particular incident without calling 911 your life is still in danger. If any length of time has passed and you have no obvious physical wounds it is paramount that you bring someone else with you to do this. Preferably a man. Unless you have studied the web site of the particular police department in your area you do not know how trauma informed they are or even if they have a history of bias and discrimination in who they allow - yes I mean exactly that - allow to file a report. Filing a report is an extremely stressful and scary action to take in and of itself. You must have someone accompany you to prevent your reporting of abuse from turning into an interrogation of you. If you have a witness to the reporting this will prevent any subtle (or not so subtle) harassment you could receive for your efforts to protect yourself. The police are required to perform their duties in a nondiscriminatory, nonjudgmental manner. Bringing someone else with you will increase the odds that you will be treated with respect and that the report will get written up as a complaint and not as the summation of a cross examination.

Power and Control

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Domestic violence stems not from any particular group of people or segment of society but rather from one individual's need to wield power and control over another. This individual will use any means to maintain their position of dominance within a relationship. In this regard it is important to understand that ‘violence’ in this dangerous dynamic refers to many types of abuse. It is most commonly understood that domestic violence involves physical and sexual abuse. This can absolutely be the case. What is also important to understand is there are other forms of domestic abuse which are equally harmful and criminal in nature. The U.S. Department of Justice identifies physical, sexual, emotional, economic and psychological abuse as crimes. The general public is largely unaware of this full array of domestic abuse.

In my next few blogs I will help readers identify what specific behaviors may be apparent when emotional, economic and/or psychological abuse is present in a relationship. Identification of these behaviors can help a family member or friend effectively aid a DV victim, or even help a loved one fully realize that the relationship they are in is not a healthy one. For a victim who does understand the danger that they are in it is much easier to disclose abuse when they know someone to go to who is empathetic and informed. Victims need to feel that they are believed and understood, even if they can not articulate many details of the abuse. They do not need or want to be peppered with questions as if they are on trial. They want the urgency of their situation to be understood and they need guidance on where to go and what to do.  More on that later -


Next up:  Understanding Emotional Abuse.