Breaking the Silence and #MeToo

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I hope that the wave of awareness now taking place across the country regarding the prevalence of sexual assault and harassment  in our society will translate into a willingness to look at our ongoing plague of domestic violence in a new light.  For far too long DV victims have been ignored, doubted and even condemned for outing their abusers.  Over 1,000 women die every year in this country at the hands of their abusers.  Those of us lucky enough to break away face great difficulty moving forward after our lives have been torn asunder.  Abusers are largely not held accountable for their crimes and victims remain feeling shamed.  This must stop.  Victims need assistance, not stigmatization.  If you know someone suffering under the dark shadow of another, please step up, step out, and ask what you can do to help.

The importance of hearing survivors’ stories and listening with compassion

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If a survivor broaches the subject of abuse they are either actively seeking help or processing what has happened to them and trying to heal. Please do not change the subject to avoid the topic.  Abusers always deny that abuse has occurred.  When others act similarly by pretending that what the what victim suffered was insignificant or should not be spoken of it can deepen hurt feelings and add to the chronicity of stress related illnesses that plague many victims lives. Most importantly, if someone discloses abuse that is occurring they need your help, not a cold shoulder.  

Never try to prevent a survivor from speaking out or try to persuade them to remain silent for the sake of others. This notion is abusive in and of itself by sending the message that the victim, their feelings, their life is somehow not worth as much as the lives of others. This hush-hush attitude only adds to the societal forces that perpetuate domestic violence by stigmatizing the victim.

I highly recommend the following resource page for victims and anyone who wishes to become trauma informed: 

https://www.thenationalcouncil.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Survivor-Bill-of-Rights.pdf

On Reporting To The Police

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If you have been the victim of domestic abuse it is crucial that a police report is filed. Even if you have gotten through a particular incident without calling 911 your life is still in danger. If any length of time has passed and you have no obvious physical wounds it is paramount that you bring someone else with you to do this. Preferably a man. Unless you have studied the web site of the particular police department in your area you do not know how trauma informed they are or even if they have a history of bias and discrimination in who they allow - yes I mean exactly that - allow to file a report. Filing a report is an extremely stressful and scary action to take in and of itself. You must have someone accompany you to prevent your reporting of abuse from turning into an interrogation of you. If you have a witness to the reporting this will prevent any subtle (or not so subtle) harassment you could receive for your efforts to protect yourself. The police are required to perform their duties in a nondiscriminatory, nonjudgmental manner. Bringing someone else with you will increase the odds that you will be treated with respect and that the report will get written up as a complaint and not as the summation of a cross examination.

Power and Control

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Domestic violence stems not from any particular group of people or segment of society but rather from one individual's need to wield power and control over another. This individual will use any means to maintain their position of dominance within a relationship. In this regard it is important to understand that ‘violence’ in this dangerous dynamic refers to many types of abuse. It is most commonly understood that domestic violence involves physical and sexual abuse. This can absolutely be the case. What is also important to understand is there are other forms of domestic abuse which are equally harmful and criminal in nature. The U.S. Department of Justice identifies physical, sexual, emotional, economic and psychological abuse as crimes. The general public is largely unaware of this full array of domestic abuse.

In my next few blogs I will help readers identify what specific behaviors may be apparent when emotional, economic and/or psychological abuse is present in a relationship. Identification of these behaviors can help a family member or friend effectively aid a DV victim, or even help a loved one fully realize that the relationship they are in is not a healthy one. For a victim who does understand the danger that they are in it is much easier to disclose abuse when they know someone to go to who is empathetic and informed. Victims need to feel that they are believed and understood, even if they can not articulate many details of the abuse. They do not need or want to be peppered with questions as if they are on trial. They want the urgency of their situation to be understood and they need guidance on where to go and what to do.  More on that later -


Next up:  Understanding Emotional Abuse.

Understanding Economic Abuse

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Economic abuse is when someone wields all the financial power in a relationship and uses that power to control their partner. Not allowing a partner to work or to attend school in an effort to earn their own income is common in abusive relationships. It is important to understand that the relationship may not have begun in such a financially unbalanced way. Many women take leave of their jobs to raise children. This can be an extremely vulnerable time and when abuse may peak. Furthermore, putting a partner on an ‘allowance’ or forcing them to ask for money like a child is degrading, controlling and abusive. Not sharing household income/expense information or denying access to household funds is a primary method that abusers employ to keep their partners from leaving. Many women face an uncertain future, including poverty and homelessness, after leaving their abuser if economic abuse has been present in the relationship.

Understanding Psychological Abuse

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Abusers control partners psychologically by instilling fear, which is often compounded by a victim’s sense of isolation. Methods of this type of abuse include threats of harm to the partner, their children or other loved ones, destruction of property, pathological lying, denying abuse and telling the victim that they are ‘crazy’, or telling others that the victim is crazy in an attempt to nullify any disclosures of the abuse.  An angry demeanor, volatile temper, or persistently confrontational attitude are all forms of intimidation and are abusive.  Abusive individuals often exhibit angry or confrontational body language, e.g., jutting out jaws, puffing up their chests, standing in one’s path, smashing things or pounding fists on tables or into walls, etc. This is absolutely terrifying when alone with someone who is much larger than you.

Abusers also try to limit the amount of time victims are away from home, which is time when the abuser does not have control over them. They may tell the victim they don’t want them to work or don’t like their friends. They may repeatedly say things like “All I need is you” to try to guilt a partner into spending more time with them instead of having a life outside the home.

Other ‘mind games’ include displaying weapons, threatening to commit suicide to get their way and forcing partners to be complicit in or silent about illegal behavior.

Understanding Emotional Abuse

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Emotional abuse is used by perpetrators of domestic violence to undermine a partner's confidence and sense of self. Name calling and insulting are forms of this type of abuse. Abusers are extremely manipulative and may say demeaning things in a joking manner, as if it doesn’t classify as mean, nasty or insulting because the abuser thinks its funny. Some may make a negative comment every time their partner does something that should be positively acknowledged, e.g., “Oh, I see you made a roasted chicken for dinner. I hope its not overdone like last time.” Ignoring the emotional needs of a partner is abusive, and the persistent use and/or display of pornographic material against a partners' wishes is abusive. Indicating to a partner that their feelings do not matter, or any other callus behavior, can cause a victim to become “numb” over time. If you know someone who constantly makes snide remarks to their partner and you see no reaction from that partner, this could very well be an indication of further abuse at home. 

Diminishing talents and abilities, especially the abilities of children, is abusive and cruel. This can impact their fragile confidence as they grow, particularly during adolescence and even through adulthood. Threatening to hurt children or take them away from a primary parent is a very painful form of emotional abuse. Likewise, it is emotionally abusive to tell children that they can be taken away from their mother, and exceedingly traumatic to actually do so. The damaging effects of emotional abuse can last a lifetime.