Thursday, October 17, 2019

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month - FYI


The STATE OF CALIFORNIA Bravery Award for Being Female and Reporting Criminal Conduct To The Appropriate Authorities:

1)  FOR REPORTING Domestic Violence

      YOU GET: Kidnapping and Torture

2)  FOR REPORTING Police Misconduct

      YOU GET:  Professionally Sideswiped in Your Car and Years of Harassment

3)  FOR REPORTING Sexual Assault

     YOU GET: Tasered in a parking lot by friends of the assailant who work in law       enforcement.

AND…

Chronic and Severe PTSD.

Fear of Law Enforcement Officers and the inability to drive safely in an entire city.

The loss of all practical use your dominant arm and chronic pain, as well as a stalker on the loose to disturb your mental peace every waking moment of every day.

Saturday, July 6, 2019

2019


I met
the handsome surgeon
in 1989 and we were secretly
married later that year
in a courthouse
in San Bernardino
by a lady with a beehive hairdo
and false eyelashes
so we could stay in my home country while we planned our wedding
in 1990 which was followed by our honeymoon and the
mysterious disappearance of my passport
on our flight home from paradise.

In 1994 he worked on cadaver arms in the garage and
stored them in the freezer in the laundry room
but one of them had fingernails that were long, painted 
female
although that didn’t matter because the prestigious American Society for Surgery of the Hand
liked his resultant work and accepted him into their elite membership.

We had a child
and then another child
and then I had knee surgery
and he wheeled me, still attached to the I.V., past the objecting nurse to bring me home to
rig the tube over the sconce over 
our bed
so he could use the port in my arm to stuff a syringe full of morphine into my vein
to watch me scream and writhe.

 And then it happened sometime that night.

The morning brought children to see
Is mommy ok?
Yes, I’m fine, don’t worry
sit here, let’s read a story.
Let’s read a story it will all be okay, 
because
we have preschool and playgrounds
mommy-and-me art, 
swim and dance
And sometimes,
he took us on vacation

But then lots of money disappeared and 
lots of porn showed up.
Objections were met with a jut-jawed, muscle pumped, clench fisted 
my-way-or-the-highway response.

So I left.

But I could not protect the children because everyone thought that this was all fine
even after I filed the police report
which made things worse because he had me abducted by local cops and stuffed
into a looney bin an hour outside of town.

Then the judge gave him full custody of the kids for a job well done.

23 days later I was returned home in a cab.
One month after that I got my 60% custody of the kids back 
along with the worsening of my PTSD.

The children grew up.
I grew in a flat line.

One child left for college, and when the second child turned 18 we went on a trip.
Luggage borrowed from their surgeon father bore an airport barcode sticker from the month before with my name on it and several small articles of women’s clothing inside.
Anger fueled courage took me fleet-footed sticker in hand to his door demanding
“What the hell is this?!”
to which I received jut-jawed growl “I-have-no-idea!” door slam.

I left a message on the TSA tip line.
They did not return my call.

The 18 year old left for college.
I left the county.

Then I wrote a book.
And talked to lots of people.
And left a message on the FBI tip website.
And I would like to hire a lawyer but I don’t have the money to buy one
like he does
or the powerful friends
like he does
to buy or barter for Justice
or safety or peace of any kind.
So I keep writing it all down 
so that my blood pressure doesn’t rocket up
bursting capillaries on my face
as my income stream slopes downward against the reality of my rent
and I hope I don’t get evicted while I wait
for someone, anyone, to figure out 
Who?
Exactly who,
is this man?


Thursday, July 4, 2019

In pursuit of Justice

Today marks the 12th anniversary of my abduction from my home, lasting 23 days, coordinated by my ex-husband and local police.  I am still seeking Justice!

Please check my book page for the latest update:

https://www.facebook.com/JusticeforDVsurvivors/

Sunday, September 2, 2018

Summer Success

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In July the California Partnership To End Domestic Violence announced that they had, 
“...succeeded in procuring an additional $20 million in California’s final state budget: $10 million for domestic violence shelters and services, $5 million for the family violence prevention program, and $5 million for rape crisis centers.”

This is certainly a hopeful development, and highlights the tremendous importance of strong agencies of advocacy.  As a survivor it is very heartening to read the organizational literature regarding the needs of survivors going forward:

“In addition to our recent gains, survivors still need 360 degree support after immediate crises—especially when seeking a permanent, stable, safe place to live. Flexible funding for housing and other support services are essential. Survivors also deserve more options for justice and healing—including restorative and transformative justice.”

Friday, August 31, 2018

Welcome

Created for Victims of Domestic Violence 

and anyone who knows one.

Because everyone should care.


Friday, July 27, 2018

Sheer Will


Before she knew he was a
Big Bully with tiny thoughts
the Petite Woman, full of heart
hired him to bring forth
her art.

But Big Bully Tiny Thoughts
and
Petite Woman Full of Heart
CLASHED.

He did not like her
strength and determination,
this mother of two young children,
and felt
threatened
by her loving nature.

So Big Bully Tiny Thoughts
tried to destroy
Petite Woman Full of Heart
by assaulting
her body
and desecrating 
her art.

But She will RISE
She will be SEEN
She will be HEARD.

She 

WILL.

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

For A Comprehensive Federal Declaration on Freedom From Domestic Violence As A Fundamental Human Right

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    In 1948 the United Nations set forth a proclamation that guarantees the inalienable rights that we all possess simply for being human. This document, The Universal Declaration of Human Rights, 
“…codifies various fundamental human rights, including the right to life, the right to non-discrimination, the right to freedom from torture and cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment, and the right to judicial remedies. Further, the United Nations has specifically deemed freedom from domestic violence to be a fundamental human right.”  
Freedom From Domestic Violence as a Fundamental Human Right
The University of Texas School of Law Human Rights Clinic in Association with  the Domestic Violence Clinic, the Legislative Lawyering Clinic, and the Austin/Travis County Family Violence Task Force

    While lawmakers in the United States have set forth proclamations during Domestic Violence Awareness Month acknowledging that the freedom from domestic violence is a fundamental human right, to date there is no stand alone federal act that addresses this very issue. It is my firm belief that the lack of tangible action on the subject is what keeps our nation from moving forward to the realization of a country where there truly is liberty, dignity and justice for all. If, as a nation we have adopted The Declaration of Human Rights and uphold its core values, then we must protect every person’s right to be free from domestic violence: 
    “Not only is the right to life violated by acts of domestic violence, but often such acts involve cruel and degrading treatment, not only in the form of physical abuse, but also through withholding of financial access, emotional abuse, and sexual abuse. Such treatment violates various other basic human rights. For instance, the UN Special Rapporteur on torture and other cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment has drawn a parallel between domestic violence and acts of torture. The report emphasized the element of powerlessness, which is present in both domestic violence and torture. The Special Rapporteur defined powerlessness as “the intention to keep the victim in a permanent state of fear based on unpredictable violence by seeking to reduce the person to submission and destroy his/her capacity for resistance and autonomy . . .” 
(Ibid)

    Domestic violence cases require particular care and attention due to the fact that abuse occurs within the home, children are often involved, and abusers have easy access to victims. This issue has not been sufficiently addressed to adequately protect victims of abuse here in the United States.  A special national council or task force should be set up to focus specifically on these types of violations of basic human rights.  
    Furthermore, the invasion of unwanted pornography in the home promotes an environment of objectification, masculine dominance and hostility.  This has a detrimental effect on the emotional and psychological well being of domestic partners and falls under the prohibitions of Article 3 against “Outrages upon personal dignity, in particular humiliating and degrading treatment.” 
    While no one can stop the proliferation of pornography, every person who does not want it in their home should have the right to be free of it, as it fuels violent emotions and promotes violent control over women: 
“Pornography contributes to violence against women by normalizing male dominance, fostering feelings of aggression in a sexual context, and creating a tool of abuse in intimate partner relationships.” 
Emily Gutierrez:Pornography and Violence Against Women Emory Undergraduate Research Journal, Spring 2013 

    As Mary Anne Layden, Phd, Director of the Sexual Trauma and Psychopathology Program Center for Cognitive Therapy Department of Psychiatry, University of Pennsylvania points out:
“Many psychologists call internet pornography the new “crack cocaine” when you note the combination of the power of pornography with the ready, 24/7 of pornography on any computer, much of it free, accessible in the privacy and anonymity of the home. ….Pornographic depictions of the sexuality of women and children distort the truth about desires of women and children, and legitimizes men’s sense of entitlement, and use of force, violence, and degrading acts by the male actors.” 
Layden, Mary Anne (2017) [online] “Pornography and Violence: A New Look at Research” 
Center for Cognitive Therapy Department of Psychiatry, University of Pennsylvania

    If we cannot feasibly regulate the incessant flow of internet pornography, we should at least be able to be free of it in our own homes. Ones’ right to be free from degradation trumps any other persons’ right to participate in an activity that promotes anothers' degradation, domination or humiliation.
Further bolstering this argument is Article 4 in PART II of the Additional Protocols to the Geneva Conventions relating to the protection of victims of non-international armed conflict.
This article states that: 
“All persons who do not take a direct part or who have ceased to take part in hostilities … are entitled to respect for their person, honor and convictions and….the following acts… shall remain prohibited at any time and in any place whatsoever: 
….Violence to the life, health and physical or mental well-being of persons.”.
International Committee of the Red Cross (2004) [online] “Basic Rules of the Geneva Conventions and Their Additional Protocols, Section 5, Sanctions” (2015)

    Additionally, under the category of ‘Sanctions’ in the provisions to Protocol I of the Conventions is a listing of grave breaches of international law which constitute war crimes. As stated: 
“These articles lay before the conscience of the world the list of especially grave violations of the Conventions and the Protocol which, were they to remain unpunished, would signify the degradation of human values and regression of the entire concept of humanity. 
These grave breaches are those involving any of the following acts:… willful killing, torture or inhuman treatment… willfully causing suffering or serious injury to body or health, any willful omission seriously endangering the physical or mental health or integrity of a person in the power of a (hostile) party.” 
(Ibid)

    If the above actions are heinous to the international community, why is it not similarly heinous that the physical and mental health of so many women is willfully endangered every day in this country within the confines of their homes? Furthermore, Article 13 of the Geneva Convention relative to the Treatment of Prisoners of War states that: 
“…prisoners of war must at all times be protected, particularly against acts of violence or intimidation and against insults and public curiosity.” 

 Article 14 also includes the entitlement:
“…to respect for their persons and their honor. Women shall be treated with all the regard due to their sex and shall in all cases benefit by treatment as favorable as that granted to men.” 

    Therefore, it follows that the fundamental human right to be free from domestic violence should also include the following: 
"The right to be free from verbal abuse, (inclusive of but not limited to name calling, insulting, threats or intimidation) financial control and manipulation, public humiliation, degradation of personal dignity, the unwanted presence or use of pornography in the home, and emotional or mental cruelty of any kind."

    These rights, if not upheld, constitute grave breaches of the international human rights standards that refer to any individual in the power or control of another, and must be addressed and firmly enforced. It is my sincerest hope that policy in the United States will soon reflect these values that we, as signatories to the Geneva Conventions, purport to uphold. 

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

"Request"



When she leaves
White Collar, Coat and FIST
please help her.

When she reports 
White Collar, Coat and FIST
she will be in danger.

White Collar, Coat and FIST 
is
angry
manipulative
and 
connected.

He will sway
family
friends
colleagues 
and
judges.

Her life could end

Abruptly.

If she lives she is lucky.
Please help keep
White Collar, Coat and FIST
at bay



Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Why Physicians Should Be Legally Barred From Treating Family Members

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    There are many professional privileges associated with working as a physician in the United States.  These physician related privileges and courtesies include perks like professional discounts and the ability to see other doctors or receive care without a wait, but one thing that should never be allowed is for any physician to medically treat their own family. The “AMA Principles of Medical Ethics” states that, “In general, physicians should not treat themselves or members of their own families”, with the exception of emergency situations or for short-term, minor problems. The details  of  section ‘1.2.1 Treating Self or Family’ include the many reasons why this should be avoided. But physicians are not legally bound to these principles, and this is a problem.  A big problem.  Because physicians routinely treat their own family members in this country, often to the detriment of the long term health of the family member.  
    The dangers of treating family members include not just the harmful results of potentially inappropriate treatment when working outside of one’s specialty, but the great likelihood of the family member not having the benefit of a second opinion and of the home treatment not being included in their medical record, resulting in conflicting or overlapping treatment.
    So how big problem is this, despite the AMA’s position that this practice is unethical? According to the New England Journal of Medicine, in their 1991 survey of 465 physicians, the problem is massive:
“ Eighty-three percent prescribed medications for a family member, 80% diagnosed medical illnesses, 72% performed physical examinations, 15% acted as a family member’s primary doctor, and 9% performed surgery on a family member” 
http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2012/01/09/why-doctors-shouldnt-treat-family-members/

    A 2001 abstract detailing confidential interviews with eight chairs of family medicine departments further highlights the commonality of this abuse of medical privilege:

 “In a profession that emphasizes detached objectivity and scientific inquiry, the illness of a family member engenders an emotional involvement that can cloud critical thinking and sound judgment…in one survey, a third of physicians reported observing another physician “inappropriately involved” in a family member's care.”
https://iths.pure.elsevier.com/en/publications/role-conflicts-of-physicians-and-their-family-members-rules-but-no rulebook

    As astounding as these numbers are, what is more astounding are the reasons citied for this unethical behavior; arrogance, cost and convenience. Dr. Youn, a plastic surgeon writing for CNN, explains the following:

“…as surgeons, we are supremely confident in our training and skills and worry that another surgeon might not do as good a job as we would. Second, performing the surgery ourselves can save a lot of money. Third, and most disturbing, some plastic surgeons use their spouses as living billboards for their work.”
http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2012/01/09/why-doctors-shouldnt-treat-family-members/

    In accord, Edward J. Krall, in his 2008 essay ‘Doctors Who Doctor Self, Family, and Colleagues’ printed in the Wisconsin Journal of Medicine, writes that:
“Convenience is most often citied as the reason for physicians to address a problem themselves, with confidence in their own diagnostic and treatment skills … and cost also factoring into the decision.”
Continuing on, Mr. Krall reports that the detrimental effects are evident in the available data on families of physicians which reveals the following: 

“(family members) were seen less often for acute illness, had incomplete exams, incomplete or absent medical records, and incomplete documentation of immunizations.”

    The lax attitude regarding these dangerous facts must be addressed.  Family members of physicians are a particularly vulnerable subset of the public.  They are the most likely to be improperly treated due to their level of trust in the physician, the physicians’ unfettered accessibility to that individual in the home and their de facto control of the situation related to physical isolation.
In Ontario, Canada, governmental prohibitions have been wisely instituted to specifically address the treatment of physicians’ sexual partners, including spouses.  Physicians can, and sometimes do, act with malevolence. Their occupation does not set them apart from other human beings.  The potential for abuse of sexual partners (spouses or others) in Canada has been addressed thusly:

“Physicians must not provide treatment to a spouse, partner, or anyone else with whom they are sexually or romantically involved, beyond the circumstances of a minor condition or emergency, and where no other qualified health care professional is readily available… providing treatment that exceeds the circumstances set out in this policy ….may give rise to a physician-patient relationship, and, as a result, the sexual abuse provisions of the Regulated Health Professions Act, 1991 would apply.”

    The RHPA is governmental legislation created under the ‘Medicine Act, 1991’ in Ontario.  Common sense principles in this document point out that; 
“Sexual activity and ‘romantic interactions’ ….obscure the physician’s objective judgment concerning the patient’s health care”,

and that;

“Patients must be protected from sexual abuse by physicians.”
http://www.cpso.on.ca/uploadedFiles/downloads/cpsodocuments/policies/policies/sexual_abuse_boundaries.pdf

    Therefore, in Ontario, a physician may neither provide treatment nor administer drugs or prescribe medications to a spouse.  Patients need to be protected from potential abuse.  Family members should never be patients, and this applies especially to children. Children are unaware of the detrimental effects any substandard care will have on their long term health and are inhibited or unable to object to parental authority.  This is the default position of the American Medical Association, which warns against treating one’s own child, “…who may not feel free to refuse care from a parent. “ (AMA Principles of Medical Ethics: I.2.1)

As John Henning Schumann, M.D. writes in   ‘What could go wrong when doctors treat their own kids?’:

“It’s a dark corner of medicine. Nobody I know talks about it much. Still, nearly all medical parents treat their kids. There are many reasons, though it's usually for the convenience of not having to put up with what regular folks do: sitting on the phone, making appointments, dealing with copays and deductibles, waiting and missing work or school..One doctor told me about sewing up his young son's heel after it had been cut on some glass. …."Why did I do it myself?" he asked "I could. It would save time and money…He prescribed an antibiotic for both children to treat (a) bacterial infection, but he didn't test them for pertussis first. His curiosity got the better of him, so he tested the older kid, figuring if one had it, they both did. It came back positive. Oops.”

    As a former spouse of a surgeon and privy to the familial habits of the local medical community for 14 years, I can tell you that if a particular physician isn’t prescribing  medication for his/her own family, that doctor certainly knows dozens who are.  The practice is rampant.  And everyone looks the other way.  I complained for years about my ex-husband and his over-medication of our son, and while the pediatrician listened, and later school health officials listened, no one ever tried to stop it.  His immune system has been compromised, he gets sick much too frequently and takes longer and longer to get well.  This is directly related to the pediatrician prescribing one thing, and then his father (an orthopedic surgeon) prescribing additional medications, unneeded medication or inappropriate mediation, and even doling out his own left over medication on a regular basis for over 15 years.  I have been written off as overly emotional on the subject.  I am not.  This is not just for the sake of my child and the children of other physicians, but for all children.  Here’s why:

“Unfortunately, antibiotics are excessively prescribed, especially to children. The Center for Disease Control estimates that of the 235 million doses of antibiotics given each year, between 20 and 50 percent are unnecessary. Tragically, this overuse of antibiotics can cause devastating health consequences to children. Antibiotics do not just go after the pathogenic or “bad” bacteria. They also indiscriminately destroy the beneficial bacteria necessary and vital to good health… (that) help protect the body against infection. Depleting these organisms can disrupt the balance of the body, suppress immunity, and lead to increased susceptibility to infections by fungi, bacteria, viruses and parasites…
When your child is continually treated with antibiotics, the bacteria in his or her body may eventually be able to survive the drugs, making it much harder to cure an infection.
Antibiotic resistance can affect the whole family and everyone around the child with a history of frequent antibiotic use. If the child develops resistant bacteria, he or she can pass them along to others [this can include playmates and friends] through coughing, sneezing, and kissing…
A truly disturbing practice is the prescribing of antibiotics by some doctors to treat colds, coughs, runny noses or flu. Most upper respiratory infections are viral. Treating them with antibiotics is clear and blatant misuse, since the drugs kill only bacteria and are of no value at all in treating viral infections.”
Healthy child.com, Jane Sheppard, October 15, 2008

    That this practice continues unabated is shocking in light of the CDC’s stance on antibiotic resistance:
“Antibiotic resistance is one of the most serious public health problems in the United States and threatens to return us to the time when simple infections were often fatal.(1)… At least 80 million antibiotic prescriptions each year are unnecessary, which makes improving antibiotic prescribing and use a national priority.”(2)

    How can we even begin to make progress when physicians themselves are a core part of the problem?  The CDC promotes the notion of antibiotic stewardship as a potential answer:
“Stopping even some of the inappropriate and unnecessary use of antibiotics in people and animals would help greatly in slowing down the spread of resistant bacteria.  This commitment to always use antibiotics appropriately and safely - only when they are needed to treat disease, and to choose the right antibiotics and to administer them in the right way in every case - is know as antibiotic stewardship” 
www.cdc.gov/drugresistance/about.html

    The CDC’s notion of stewardship assumes doctors are automatically onboard as a matter of ethical course.  Yet the physicians interviewed admit to skirting ethical standards on a regular basis sheerly for convenience and cost.  This is with full knowledge of the adverse affects of this practice on the publics’ health and well-being as antibiotic resistance spreads.  It’s almost as if the CDC is afraid to firmly address the issue with physicians themselves.  In their community campaign targeting antibiotic resistance they inform the public that:

“The most important modifiable risk factor for antibiotic resistance is inappropriate prescribing of antibiotics. Approximately half of outpatient antibiotic prescribing in humans might be inappropriate, including antibiotic selection, dosing, or duration, in addition to unnecessary antibiotic prescribing”.

This campaign recommends that members of the public;

“Require explicit written justification in the medical record for non-recommended antibiotic prescribing.”  

It is the CDC’s belief that;

“This technique has reduced inappropriate prescribing by holding physicians accountable in the medical record for their decisions.”

    Should the public bear so much responsibility for the actions of the many physicians who clearly can not be entrusted as proper stewards of the antibiotic resistance awareness campaign?  I think not.  Empowering the public by setting forth the proper information is a wonderful thing.  But the outpatient community will not change the behavior of these doctors any more than the spouse of such an individual can change their behavior.  They do what they want, for convenience, for cost, and in their arrogance.  
    It is of utmost urgency that going forward medical practitioners be mandated to comply with government standards of prescribing as outlined by the CDC.  Unfortunately the CDC is not a regulating body. Medical boards regulate, but do not mandate.  In order to enforce compliance, oversight must be handled by a regulatory body that advocates for patients’ rights and not the rights of physicians.  The Medical Board of Massachusetts comes closest to advocating for patient protections over physicians’ rights by curtailing irresponsible prescribing in their ‘Prescribing Practices, Policy and Guidelines’:

“Part I, Section 1: Basic Requirements of Acceptable Medical Practice: 
To be valid, a prescription must be issued in the usual course of the physician’s professional practice, and within a physician-patient relationship that is for the purpose of maintaining the patient’s well-being.  In addition, the physician must conform to certain minimum standards of patient care, such as taking an adequate medical history, doing a physical and/or mental status examination and documenting the findings. This rule applies to any prescription, issued by any means, including the Internet or other electronic process.  Prescribing that does not meet these requirements is unlawful.”

    While this is definitely a step in the right direction, it will take too long to lobby for changes state by state.  Establishing clear legal codes at the federal level now that define what is unacceptable is the only way to truly hold physicians responsible for their behavior and to safeguard the publics’ health. Doctors are just people like the rest of us.  Their occupation doesn’t make them statistically better human beings. By allowing them to continually breach the boundaries of ethical practice with vulnerable family members, and through their excessive prescribing which can affect entire townships and municipalities, we have enabled arrogant, permissive attitudes to take hold of the medical community and thrive, to the detriment of the public good.

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Poem for the Fourth of July

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You can 
speak truth to power
in numbers, together, in droves.
but if you dare to 
speak truth to power 
in solo or go it alone,
they will follow, harass, denigrate you
disappear you for weeks
right from your very own home.

pay off cops, 
backroom talks,
corrupt judges 
seal your fate wink 
nod,
handshake. 
There, 
now you can go back
to your home.

They’ll rewrite 
your entire existence
change your present,
crush your future
so I want you to know, 
don’t ever,
please never,
try to 

speak truth to power alone.

Friday, June 15, 2018

Domestic Violence Is Not A 'Women's Issue'

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Domestic violence is not a women’s issue; it is a societal one.  While many people believe that DV is not their problem, that it happens to ‘other people’, or for those who simply would rather not be bothered, there is an unavoidable truth that has become abundantly clear:  Second hand DV kills. While the majority of domestic abuse does occur within the home, if a woman leaves or even strongly indicates that she will, angry and controlling men often go in search of their victims and take the violence into the public sphere.  

Co-workers can become victims, fellow congregants can become victims, and yes, even children at an elementary school.  In a widely shared analysis of F.B.I. data on mass shootings, in 2017 Every Town for Gun Safety reported that “57 percent of the cases included a spouse, former spouse or other family member among the victims — and that 16 percent of the attackers had previously been charged with domestic violence”. (Jane Mayer, ‘The Link Between Domestic Violence and Mass Shootings’ ; [2017] The New Yorker)

Domestic violence is not just a women’s issue.  It’s a societal problem that must be addressed, not put on a back burner or dismissed. Find out more and how you can help at:


https://nnedv.org/content/frequently-asked-questions-about-domestic-violence/

Thursday, May 31, 2018

Daydream - a poem of loss

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I had a daydream
of me,
they way I used to be.

Swimming,
like the otter

Rolling,
as I kicked 
stretching arms 
over, out, over 
and waltzing 
through the water.

I had a daydream
of me,
to remember

Who 

I used to be.


Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Breaking the Silence and #MeToo

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I hope that the wave of awareness now taking place across the country regarding the prevalence of sexual assault and harassment  in our society will translate into a willingness to look at our ongoing plague of domestic violence in a new light.  For far too long DV victims have been ignored, doubted and even condemned for outing their abusers.  Over 1,000 women die every year in this country at the hands of their abusers.  Those of us lucky enough to break away face great difficulty moving forward after our lives have been torn asunder.  Abusers are largely not held accountable for their crimes and victims remain feeling shamed.  This must stop.  Victims need assistance, not stigmatization.  If you know someone suffering under the dark shadow of another, please step up, step out, and ask what you can do to help.

Thursday, March 1, 2018

The importance of hearing survivors’ stories and listening with compassion

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If a survivor broaches the subject of abuse they are either actively seeking help or processing what has happened to them and trying to heal. Please do not change the subject to avoid the topic.  Abusers always deny that abuse has occurred.  When others act similarly by pretending that what the what victim suffered was insignificant or should not be spoken of it can deepen hurt feelings and add to the chronicity of stress related illnesses that plague many victims lives. Most importantly, if someone discloses abuse that is occurring they need your help, not a cold shoulder.  

Never try to prevent a survivor from speaking out or try to persuade them to remain silent for the sake of others. This notion is abusive in and of itself by sending the message that the victim, their feelings, their life is somehow not worth as much as the lives of others. This hush-hush attitude only adds to the societal forces that perpetuate domestic violence by stigmatizing the victim.

I highly recommend the following resource page for victims and anyone who wishes to become trauma informed: 


https://www.thenationalcouncil.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Survivor-Bill-of-Rights.pdf

Friday, February 2, 2018

On Reporting To The Police

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If you have been the victim of domestic abuse it is crucial that a police report is filed. Even if you have gotten through a particular incident without calling 911 your life is still in danger. If any length of time has passed and you have no obvious physical wounds it is paramount that you bring someone else with you to do this. Preferably a man. Unless you have studied the web site of the particular police department in your area you do not know how trauma informed they are or even if they have a history of bias and discrimination in who they allow - yes I mean exactly that - allow to file a report. Filing a report is an extremely stressful and scary action to take in and of itself. You must have someone accompany you to prevent your reporting of abuse from turning into an interrogation of you. If you have a witness to the reporting this will prevent any subtle (or not so subtle) harassment you could receive for your efforts to protect yourself. The police are required to perform their duties in a nondiscriminatory, nonjudgmental manner. Bringing someone else with you will increase the odds that you will be treated with respect and that the report will get written up as a complaint and not as the summation of a cross examination.




Monday, November 20, 2017

Power and Control


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Domestic violence stems not from any particular group of people or segment of society but rather from one individual's need to wield power and control over another. This individual will use any means to maintain their position of dominance within a relationship. In this regard it is important to understand that ‘violence’ in this dangerous dynamic refers to many types of abuse. It is most commonly understood that domestic violence involves physical and sexual abuse. This can absolutely be the case. What is also important to understand is there are other forms of domestic abuse which are equally harmful and criminal in nature. The U.S. Department of Justice identifies physical, sexual, emotional, economic and psychological abuse as crimes. The general public is largely unaware of this full array of domestic abuse.

In my next few blogs I will help readers identify what specific behaviors may be apparent when emotional, economic and/or psychological abuse is present in a relationship. Identification of these behaviors can help a family member or friend effectively aid a DV victim, or even help a loved one fully realize that the relationship they are in is not a healthy one. For a victim who does understand the danger that they are in it is much easier to disclose abuse when they know someone to go to who is empathetic and informed. Victims need to feel that they are believed and understood, even if they can not articulate many details of the abuse. They do not need or want to be peppered with questions as if they are on trial. They want the urgency of their situation to be understood and they need guidance on where to go and what to do.  More on that later -


Next up:  Understanding Emotional Abuse.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Understanding Economic Abuse


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Economic abuse is when someone wields all the financial power in a relationship and uses that power to control their partner. Not allowing a partner to work or to attend school in an effort to earn their own income is common in abusive relationships. It is important to understand that the relationship may not have begun in such a financially unbalanced way. Many women take leave of their jobs to raise children. This can be an extremely vulnerable time and when abuse may peak. Furthermore, putting a partner on an ‘allowance’ or forcing them to ask for money like a child is degrading, controlling and abusive. Not sharing household income/expense information or denying access to household funds is a primary method that abusers employ to keep their partners from leaving. Many women face an uncertain future, including poverty and homelessness, after leaving their abuser if economic abuse has been present in the relationship.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Understanding Psychological Abuse

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Abusers control partners psychologically by instilling fear, which is often compounded by a victim’s sense of isolation. Methods of this type of abuse include threats of harm to the partner, their children or other loved ones, destruction of property, pathological lying, denying abuse and telling the victim that they are ‘crazy’, or telling others that the victim is crazy in an attempt to nullify any disclosures of the abuse.  An angry demeanor, volatile temper, or persistently confrontational attitude are all forms of intimidation and are abusive.  Abusive individuals often exhibit angry or confrontational body language, e.g., jutting out jaws, puffing up their chests, standing in one’s path, smashing things or pounding fists on tables or into walls, etc. This is absolutely terrifying when alone with someone who is much larger than you.

Abusers also try to limit the amount of time victims are away from home, which is time when the abuser does not have control over them. They may tell the victim they don’t want them to work or don’t like their friends. They may repeatedly say things like “All I need is you” to try to guilt a partner into spending more time with them instead of having a life outside the home.


Other ‘mind games’ include displaying weapons, threatening to commit suicide to get their way and forcing partners to be complicit in or silent about illegal behavior.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Understanding Emotional Abuse


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Emotional abuse is used by perpetrators of domestic violence to undermine a partner's confidence and sense of self. Name calling and insulting are forms of this type of abuse. Abusers are extremely manipulative and may say demeaning things in a joking manner, as if it doesn’t classify as mean, nasty or insulting because the abuser thinks its funny. Some may make a negative comment every time their partner does something that should be positively acknowledged, e.g., “Oh, I see you made a roasted chicken for dinner. I hope its not overdone like last time.” Ignoring the emotional needs of a partner is abusive, and the persistent use and/or display of pornographic material against a partners' wishes is abusive. Indicating to a partner that their feelings do not matter, or any other callus behavior, can cause a victim to become “numb” over time. If you know someone who constantly makes snide remarks to their partner and you see no reaction from that partner, this could very well be an indication of further abuse at home. 

Diminishing talents and abilities, especially the abilities of children, is abusive and cruel. This can impact their fragile confidence as they grow, particularly during adolescence and even through adulthood. Threatening to hurt children or take them away from a primary parent is a very painful form of emotional abuse. Likewise, it is emotionally abusive to tell children that they can be taken away from their mother, and exceedingly traumatic to actually do so. The damaging effects of emotional abuse can last a lifetime.  

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month - FYI

The STATE OF CALIFORNIA   Bravery Award for Being Female and Reporting Criminal Conduct To The Appropriate Authorities : 1...